Stand Back! He’s Got a Spork!

This entry was posted by Rob on Friday, 29 February, 2008 at

A man in Anchorage, Alaska has been arrested as a suspect in an attempted armed robbery. Allegedly, the suspect tried to grab a man’s watch and the victim thought the assailant swung a pocketknife at him, which caught him in the side.

Upon inspection of the wound, instead of a pocketknife slash, four small scratches were found, consistent with being administered by what appeared to be a less-than-lethal plastic spork.

If you are unfamiliar with this fast-food eating utensil, a spork is one of those hybrid spoon and fork combos. Restaurants that are too cheap to distribute both regular plastic spoons and separate regular plastic forks use these foolish implements. I hate sporks, now I hate to be worried about being held up by one?

The man was apprehended a few blocks from the scene, intoxicated, and carrying an actual pocketknife, as well as a backpack containing a crumpled fast food bag and a small arsenal of sporks.

It was not clear if the additional sporks were intended to be used to consume food or commit further criminal acts, so they were promptly confiscated by authorities.

I am actually at a loss on what to suggest to protect yourself from being attacked by a drunk man wielding a spork. Normally I might suggest some pepper spray or a stun gun, but that seems like overkill.

Perhaps a personal alarm might work. That way you can draw attention to the situation and more people can be alerted and share in the laughter at this feeble attempt to appear intimidating and dangerous with a spork.

I can’t even in good conscience recommend one of our instructional fighting DVDs to combat spork warfare as any of these masters would probably find it difficult to keep a straight face if confronted with a spork. Can you imagine Chris Clugston, Paul Vunak or Bob Taylor demonstrating the proper technique for properly disarming a plastic spork??

Ok, all kidding aside, these videos are actually excellent teaching aids, concentrating on simple and effective self defense moves that can be easily and quickly learned. Not everyone has years to devote to a full blown martial arts training regiment, but anyone can squeeze in a couple hours a week to watching and practicing some of these moves.

You never know when someone may pull a weapon on you. More often than not the weapon is going to be far worse than a spork, and the attacker may be after more than just your watch. Be prepared to defend your life or the life of a loved one.

It would be nice to believe that nothing will happen to you, but the reality of it is that an ounce of protection could be worth more than a pound of cure. What is Worth Protection to you? Your belongings? Your family? Your personal well-being?

Be Safe, Be Prepared.

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