Keeping up with Kardashian Self Defense
To say I was watching television the other night isn’t exactly true, it was more like I was using the laptop in the living room and the TV was on in the background. My wife went to bed and handed off the remote and the TV just stayed on. After a few minutes the Democratic National Convention came on covering the nomination. I was mostly oblivious until a 5 minute span of applause with Barrack Obama saying Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping) jarred my attention.
Seriously, it went on forever and I tried to just ignore it. But it was the most annoying noise in the world and I was not able to disregard the TV any longer. I grabbed the remote and started clicking, passing a few more stations with the Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping)…
No Thank You Obama, Go away. I’m not sure how much longer this went on after I flipped stations, but I’m sure quite awhile. I wasn’t really interested in watching TV, so I was just looking for something less annoying to fade into the background. I ended up stopping on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians reality show re-run, which I haven’t ever watched before, but it wasn’t as annoying as Thank You. (clapping) Thank You. (clapping)…
Since I was now distracted away from my computer I started to watch a few minutes of the show. The first part I caught was the younger daughter getting busted for paying the local dog walker to do her chores for her. It was kind of funny, she gets $50 to do a few simple household jobs and decided to contract out the dishes, washing the car and cleaning her room to this guy for $20. Not a bad deal until her step-dad Bruce, walks in to the house and sees this guy cleaning the windows in the living room.
So now I’m sucked into this silly reality show to see what else these crazy Kardashian sisters are up to. Then It started to get boring and I started back on the laptop about 50/50. Something about Khloe reluctantly getting setup by her sisters with a dating service… Blah, blah, blah… Eventually after a few lame scenes, the show got good again.
Apparently the 2 lesser famous, non-Kim Kardashian girls own a clothing store. If you are a serious Kardashians viewer, forgive my general recollections of the finer details. I think Kourtney was the one at the shop and this guy comes in and starts throwing stuff around and trashing the place. He rips a shirt, knocks over clothes and throws a drink at her before he leaves the shop. She then calls Khloe who rushed over to the shop and calls the police.
What transpires after the incident is that all of the girls and the mom are now scared for their safety and concerned by the lack of security in the store. Now my interest is sparked again. What are these prissy, giggly, fashion-elite girly girls going to do?
If you said sisters Khloe, Kourtney and Kim Kardashian should take a Karate class, you are correct!
This scene and the next are worth the price of admission. So now the Kardashian sisters are at this self-defense school. The self defense dork, I mean expert instructor starts teaching the gals some moves they can use to help defend themselves. One of the key techniques is some sort of thrusting butt strike, used to defend against someone coming behind you and giving you a bear hug type attack. No, seriously.
Of course this spawns a school-girl like giggle fest between the girls and a couple sisterly comments on something else Kim Kardashian’s butt is good for. Now in Kim’s defense, her butt would probably work well at stopping traffic. However, stopping an attacker on the street… not so good.
So the girls continue to learn some more moves, a couple good elbow strikes, hammer fists, and more butt striking. They even had a guy in a padded suit come out so they could practice hitting a real target. The next couple minutes show the girls both seriously attempting some techniques, but mostly fooling around and goofing off. Surprise, surprise.
The lesson is over and the girls are very confident of their newly learned self defense moves. When they get home, the step-father becomes interested in seeing what they learned. One of the girls, I think Khloe offers to demonstrate. So the step-dad comes up from behind as instructed and applies a good tight bearhug.
Instinctively, Khloe executes a perfectly timed “butt strike”. Sadly, nothing happens. The step-dad now tightens his grip and Khloe, now with a confused and disappointed look on her face tries again, again failing. “Why isn’t this working?” Khloe asks.
Now the step-dad laughs and says “What if I do this?” and picks her up, takes two steps forward, throws her on a chair and holds her down. Kourtney and Kim look on in horror. Now all the girls are upset that their one-hour self-defense mastery course at an upscale McDojo failed.
The mother decides she has the answer to their personal protection dilemma and sets up a special field trip for her and the girls. Next the girls end up at a downtown gun shop and firing range, much to the surprise and discomfort of the Kardashian girls. The mom is dead serious, but the girls don’t quite seem receptive to this idea. Then Kim sees the latest in shooting fashion, an khaki canvas ammo vest. Now that she is properly accessorized, she is ready to go kick some ass.
They proceed to the firing range, where they are given a lesson in using a hand gun and are given the opportunity to fire at paper targets. Luckily paper targets don’t shoot back. Now they are starting to get into this shooting thing. The mother comments on how her girls look like Charlie’s Angels in their designer clothes and high heels while shooting the guns. After blowing away some inanimate objects, Kim asks if there are any bigger guns she can try.
The guy from the gun shop goes and gets the biggest gun he has, an M16 rifle. “Is this what they use in wars?” asks Kim. “Yes,” answers the gun shop owner. “This is what they use in wars.” Kim “Rambo” Kardashian takes some target practice with the M16 and shoots some holes all over the paper target. And not in a tight, well aimed group.
The shooting lesson is over and the mom is all excited about buying hand guns for everyone. The novelty quickly wears off and all of the Kardashian girls are reluctant to actually own a gun and bring one into their clothing store to protect themselves.
And rightly so, after the one-hour karate class fiasco, how can they expect better results after a one-hour shooting class? The last thing you want is Khloe, Kourtney or Kim Kardashian pulling a lethal hand gun in a crowded clothing store. Well, the shop wasn’t ever actually full of customers when I was watching, but still. And everyone except the mom realized that, really quick.
To make a point, their brother Rob, and Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott both dressed up in black clothes, masks and armed themselves with fake guns to pretend to holdup the clothing boutique. Unfortunate for the pranksters, Kourtney immediately recognized her boyfriend’s voice when he yelled for them to get on the ground. The girls were however quite scared for the first few moments when the armed, masked men busted in to the shop late at night.
Ultimately at the end of the show the Kardashian sisters hinted that they might consider hiring a Security Guard.
Hopefully they do something smart.
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