I am a fan of improvised weapons if you need to defend yourself in a pinch, but yet again, here is another story for the “Get a Real Weapon” file. It was a weak attempt at an offensive attack, but the assailant was still arrested on battery charges nonetheless.

Allegedly, a 53 year old homeless man scrounged up a buck to make a trip to the local Dollar Store in Galesburg, IL. He purchased a box of Moon Pies, but instead of calmly leaving the store to gorge on said Moon Pies, he started swinging the bag and hitting a 84 year old man trying to leave the store.

The elderly victim went back inside as the Moon Pie Assassin followed. The store clerks called the police who arrested the homeless man and confiscated the box of snacks as evidence. Although the authorities ended up ninjaing the Moon Pies, the homeless guy probably got a few hot meals in the slammer.

It wasn’t reported what prompted the alleged attack. Perhaps the elderly man snagged the last couple boxes of $1.00 Ding Dongs only leaving Moon Pies? I mean Moon Pies kinda suck as far as snacky cakes go… Maybe the 84 year old “ran” ahead and cut off the homeless man in line? Who knows.

Hopefully the elderly man was not injured, sometimes those Dollar Store Moon Pies sit on the shelves awhile and might get stale. A box of stale Moon Pies could hurt. Ok, maybe not. This guy’s street cred in jail is shot.

– Bubba: “Whadda you in for?”

– Little Debbie: “Assault with a weapon”

– Bubba: “What kind of weapon?”

– Little Debbie: “You know those chocolate covered cakes with marshmallow in the middle?”

– Bubba: “Um, yea…”

– Little Debbie: “A box of those…”

– Bubba: “I see. Why don’t you come over here cream puff.”

It would be nice to believe that nothing will happen to you, but the reality of it is that an ounce of protection could be worth more than a pound of cure. What is Worth Protection to you? Your belongings? Your family? Your personal well-being?

Yours in safety,


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