A man in Jackson, Michigan couldn’t quite help himself from getting in a load of trouble last week. Unfortunately, the article did not go into too much detail, as some of the additional background must have been good.

First off her ended up stabbing his mother with a fork. Again not enough details into this portion, so we have to assume the mother is fine.

Next, while riding a stolen bike, he got into another altercation with another woman. Since the fork was no longer readily available, he resorted to using the only other thing he presently had at his disposal. A ten pound plastic bag of frozen chicken.

As much as this begs to be quite humorous, the man struck the woman on the head with the chicken. However since this was no toy rubber chicken, but a solid hunk of frozen fowl, the object opened up a large gash on the woman’s head. She required medical treatment in the amount of 5 surgical stapes to close up the wound.

He is only being charged with one count of felonious assault, while prosecutors dropped additional assault, larceny and other charges. He faces up to 4 years in prison and up to a $2,000 fine.

To continue with some odd food related shenanigans, a woman in Texas was fined $300 for attempting to smuggle some sausage from Mexico this past Friday night. I am not familiar with the exact U.S. Customs and Border Protection regulations for bringing meat across the U.S.-Mexico border, but apparently the custom inspectors decided to ruin this woman’s barbecue plans.

To make this incident interesting, the 21-year-old Southern Texan attempted to hide the chorizo (several links of spicy pork sausage) inside of baby diapers. The diapers were folded to look used, to which the woman declared several “soiled baby diapers” to the border guards.

Failing to get one over on these astute border agents, the suspicious “chunky diapers” did not cut it. The diapers and sausage were confiscated after closer inspection. Luckily for the agents, it was spicy sausage. I’m pretty sure if the diapers were truly soiled, the agents would have been quite unhappy to have to open and prod dirty diapers stored for later refuse.

Not that it would be practical to stuff with sausage, but I wonder if an actual diversion safe would make it past the customs screeners? I mean if you had a some diversion safes that looked like closed cans of soda in your car, perhaps stored in some ice in a small cooler, would the border agents make you pop the tops off a six-pack of Mountain Dew?

I wouldn’t advocate testing this for real at a customs booth, but these diversion safes are nearly indistinguishable from the real thing, and are even weighted to feel full. You aren’t going to be able to squish too much sausage in each one, but I wonder if they would take notice.

I would imagine U.S. Customs and Border Protection guys are trained to look for drugs and other contraband items, but most burglars in your house would pass right by these. Stash your valuables in plain sight in a can of soda, household cleaner container, book or flower pot. No one would even know the difference.

I’m pretty sure I would have to pass on the diaper sausage at the BBQ. We are already not supposed to drink the water down in Mexico, I’d have to imagine improperly stored raw Mexican chorizo might miss some USDA standards…

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